Cursed Luck.

10:37 AM

Maybe my coworker is right.

Why am I always angry ?

4:04 PM

I fucking hate this. Every time big or drastic happens in my life all I can ever think about is how you’re not here and how even if you were I wouldn’t want you to be because of what you did in the past.

As much as I want to get rid of you from my mind, I can’t help but still feel lost, abandoned, and angry because of you.

Fuck you and your whole “I want to care” bullshit.

1:53 AM

I am a fool for making myself believe the things I think are believable.

2:38 AM

I just got off the phone with DT.

I can’t even tell if whatever weird thing we go through is an argument or not, but he pretty much apologizes each time for being a “dick”.

I already told him this but honestly when he says “put yourself in my shoes” I get that he would be upset if I were to move in with JG. But, circumstances are different between our hypothetical situations. I don’t want to sound like I keep bringing this up to him but he has cheated before, and I haven’t. So what incentive would I have to cheat and throw away the one person I’ve let in to love ? He tells me how much he loves me and how much he wants this to work, but there still is that chance that he will leave me, or worse cheat on me.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like he’s losing interest, which scares me. I could be absolutely paranoid and imagining things, but sometimes I notice little tidbits that hint otherwise. For instance, he’ll choose to stay over at EM’s house, which is completely fine with me, but then once he gets there then he’ll talk about how much he misses me or question himself why he even left. But this happens a lot. He has work tomorrow from three to eleven and says he wants to stay over or whatever, but I know by tomorrow night, he’s going to text me and tell me that he’s too tired, or that it’s too late, or that he doesn’t want to get on my mom’s bad side, or that he really wants to see me but he won’t cause he’s in a bad mood. I know he loves me, but when he says things like that and I know he won’t follow through, it just makes it seem kindof insincere.

He brought up how he thinks he may have invested too much in this relationship, which is what I think about all the time. By revealing my thoughts and emotions, I am putting myself at risk for being completely destroyed. That’s what will happen if something terrible goes wrong.

It’s my fault. I’ve opened up too quickly and now I’m going to have to suffer the consequences. I love him, yes. But, is it worth the pain the follows through?

Great.

1:02 AM

I’m going to suck it up and write what’s on my mind because if I keep holding this stuff in then I am going to go crazy.

I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been hating sleeping alone even more than usual lately. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten to sleep with Davy for about six days straight, but honestly I haven’t ever felt like this. I feel mad and angry and annoyed a lot. But, what’s even worse is that now I’m getting upset about things. I’m overthinking situations. I’m feeling things that I’ve trained myself not to feel. Why get sad? Upset? Emotional? What the fuck has that done for anyone.

Tonight we went to sushi for dinner, and then he wanted to go on a drive so we drove towards Calero but further down. We stopped at the side of the road and looked at the lake under the moonlight and it was pretty and all. We kept driving down and then we stopped and parked at another place where we could see the water.

Music was on and we were kissing and stuff, and I knew he wanted to but I had a weird feeling. This isn’t unusual for us so I don’t know why I was feeling strange about it, so I decided to put my feelings aside and go on. After we were done and all he asked me if he could stay with me tonight. I said yes, of course. This lifted my spirits a bit.

On the way home, before I fell asleep, I couldn’t help but think about how our night went. This sounds really fucked up and I know he loves me and all, but basically he picked me up, we went to dinner, and then he drove off somewhere so that we could do it. What does that say to you? Better yet, after driving me home, he looks at me and tells me that he’s just going to sleep at home. Thanks.

“Why do you always get upset when I dont sleep over?”

Maybe it’s because this time you got a dinner and fuck out of it and then you back out and tell me you’re not going to stay with me. Maybe it’s because it seems like that’s all you were looking forward to.

Maybe I’m completely overreacting, or maybe I’m seeing something I was overlooking before. Maybe he loves me, but for the wrong reasons. Why can’t I ever fully trust someone?

I know I’m probably wrong, but right now it’s hurting me. I don’t know. Maybe it’s my mom and brother and dad getting to me so I’m being irrational about everything. Maybe I’ll look back and laugh about how I thought I could have ever felt like this. Or maybe I’ll look back and realize that I should have said something.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

All I know is, it hurts.

12:46 AM

I absolutely hate crying.

Why have I been crying so much lately then ?